I look at pictures of us and it feels like it wasn’t me. And that they little blonde girl who was hopelessly in love was another person. It’s a strange feeling. But I don’t mind it. I used to try and numb myself from it all but really, it’s just that I have moved on. I am happy. I have my life back. It’s great. And this time, I am going to make it count. Well. I always make each experience count and I know that it will never happen again. No way. But good to know that I can live through.
Blarg. That is the word I came up with when I couldn’t describe my feelings any other way. These days, I don’t feel “blarg.” I feel different things. Love. Life. Happy. Gracious. Inspired.
The one thing I don’t feel anymore is hurt. The sting of the pain is less. I wake up and I am excited to see my friends who truly love me and want only the best for me. I talk to The Momma a lot more which I am sure she is grateful for. The best part is. I am happy.
Out of all the things in the world that make me cry, there is only one TV show that can make me sob.
The Biggest Loser. Amazing.
I am loving this feeling of having a clean slate. Who knew that I would have moments like these in my life at 18? Its a beautiful thing. I am appreciating my friends so much more. I am being myself again. I am finally the person I was 10 months ago.
I had a long talk with my mom in February about how I felt like I had changed. I felt like I was turning into a coward and very passive even when things did upset me. It’s great that I am out here in the wide world figuring things out alone. It’s liberating.
Oh. P.S. Humidity blows.
You know what is an amazing thing? Growing up. I never believe we really stop growing, but just the fact that we are constantly changing and evolving is a beautiful thing. Back home, its High School graduation season. And I think back to a year ago, and yes, times were fun and wonderful but I never want to go back. I am going to keep moving forward with my life and I will never look back again. Looking on FB, I see the people that I went to high school with and they will stay stuck forever. They will be 24 and still going to “wing night” and living with their parents. No way. Not for me. Never for me and never will be me.
I have chosen to live a life without regrets and I have learnt a lot about myself in the past 10 months. I don’t regret it, but I never will give in like I did anymore. I was not myself.
So here’s to a new me. Here’s to starting over even fresher then before. I am going to take this world by storm. I am a force. Here I come.
Its funny, because the pain does go away. It doesn’t sting as much as it used to because I know that I can live through anything. Once you go through heart break, you know you will come out a stronger person in the end. I have no regrets about the relationship because I know that I did nothing wrong. I was the perfect girlfriend. I am a great girlfriend and he couldn’t see that. He went for the easy way out. And that is fine with me. My life has never had a easy route so why should my relationships be easy too? Point is, I am way better off. Bigger and better things are coming my way. I can feel it.
I suddenly feel so alone. It’s a strange feeling. I had a great day. I went on a grocery shopping adventure, made a fantastic batch of sugar cookies, and did some homework. But I suddenly feel terribly alone.
I look at his FB page, and all I can see are his loser posts and how self centered he was all the time of what other people think. I never do want him back. He was bad for me. But I want to be loved by someone. There are all these quotes that say that “no one can love you until you love yourself.” But I do love myself. I think I am the most fantastic, kick ass, gorgeous girl on the planet. I have self-confidence coming out the wazoo. And yet know one can see it. My friends see it, and they tell me that I have this vibe that makes the room buzz. But no guys ever see that. Are they intimidated because I am confident? I thought guys liked confidence in a girl? It’s probably because of the industry I am in right now. It is a very slim few who are not gay in the musical theatre world.
I want to travel. I want to see the world. I never want to live in a place too long and get tied down. I need a guy who feels the same way and wants to travel with me. I want to live overseas for awhile, test the waters over there. I just want to be happy, but have a person who makes me feel like everywhere is home.
I saw “Something Borrowed” last night. It was fantastic. But I didn’t cheer for the guy who she was in love with since law school. I was cheering for her best guy friend, who say her for who she was and loved her regardless. He hated seeing that this guy was hurting her. He put himself out there, told her everything and poured his heart out, and she chose the other guy anyways. I would have picked the best friend. He was willing to be everything for her.
He said the best quote every, “No more of this ‘Daddy beats me because he loves me’ bullshit”. Its so true. No more of that. I am going to find him. It may take time. Like my ballet teacher said, “there is no instant classical ballet”, and I will just have to wait patiently in the wings for my guy.